sherelle_25

Tonight I went to dinner with a friend I haven't seen for a few years. She's doing pretty well. It was kind of awkward, but I survived. It was good seeing her. I don't know what I was expecing, but I was kind of hoping we'd pick up where we left off; that there wouldn't be any awkwardness. I mean, the last time we saw each other was when we were in high school, so I don't know what I was thinking.

 

Another friend is back in town, and wants to hang out. We had a good time a few months ago when she was first leaving, but I still haven't forgotten how she hurt me in the past. I can't say anything now, because it's been so long, but I'd like her to have an idea of the pain she caused.
But like I said, it's too late now.

Now, that this semester is over, I can admit it wasn't what I thought it would be. I had high expectations of stepping out of my comfort zone, being more out-going, and making new friends. None of these things happened. I managed to be just as shy and awkward as I always am. I hate that I passed up so many opportunities to make friends, but I'm always so self conscience about what other people are thinking. I wish I didn't care, but I have too many insecurities.

So, today in art we didn't really do anything.  My teacher decided to take us to the galleries, which was fine by me because I was really tired and wanted to do nothing. Anyways, we were in one of the galleries and I was looking at the drawings and paintings, but my mind began to wander. I noticed these two girls were gone, but I figured maybe they'd gone to the bathroom. Then I started to imagine them making out, and me catching them. I thought about how hot it would be because they are both attractive girls. Then I thought, "I wonder if they'd make out infront of me if I paid them $1,000 each." One girl is attractive, but more "I'd like to make out with you" attractive. The other girl is hot like "I wanna do bad things to you".
 
I don't know what my problem was. When I finally caught myself, I was like "WOAH! What the hell got into me." I think part of what set my mind off in that direction was because there was this drawing called "family jewels" and I know that usually refers to male genitals, but the drawing looked like a vagina. It was actually kinda funny.

I'm weird!...and immature.

So, I decided to take an art class this semester. I like to draw, so to keep me from going insane with classes that bore the crap out of me, I thought I'd take beginning drawing. I'm not terrible, but I'm not great either. And I really don't care. I like sitting in class just focusing on what I'm drawing, and not having to worry about anything. It's seriously my escape. I can get frustrated and make mistakes, but I can erase the mistakes. And if I get too frustrated, I can start over. A fresh white piece of paper.

I'm hoping it's something I'll continue doing even once the semester is over.

Okay, so after I thought I completely ruined things yesterday and was prepared to throw in the towel, the clouds parted and God answered my prayer. When I started work, she was going to lunch. I already knew when she was off at 3, but I wanted to ask her to be sure. I decided I'd ask when she came back. Well, she came back and of course I chickened out. When she first saw me, she smiled and said hi. I reciprocated and smiled and said hi. I again was trying to not look at her a lot. I was pretty successful. Then one of the times I was walking by her she was laughing, and I kept staring and she was looking at me. I felt really awkward, so I went into my department and....well, let's just say I relieved the awkwardness. I felt a little better after, but I couldn't bring myself to look at her or talk to her again. So, when I had given up all hope, I noticed her over by the time clock. It was only 2, so I figured she must be leaving sooner than I'd thought. She walked back to her department, but she looked ready to leave, and looked like she was just getting something. I was helping a customer, and the customer said they'd be back. Well, she comes over and asks if I was busy because she needed something. I got what she needed, and I asked her if she was off. She said yes, then said, "And you never showed me the pictures." I told her I had them, and she told me to take a break. I was all over that, so I said I was taking a break. Then we went outside, and looked at the pictures. I was so damn happy! We talked a little afterwards. We were sitting right next to each other and she touched my leg, arm, and name badge...haha! The badge thing was because she was telling me about a customer. Then I said, "You still need to show me your pictures." She said, "I have them in my car. Should I go get them?" I was like, "DUH!" I didn't actually say that, but I wanted to talk to her more so of course I told her yes. So, she shows me and after we talked more. We are only allowed 10 minute breaks, but I was with her for almost half an hour. I couldn't believe we were actually sitting there, having a one-on-one conversation. It just took a little meltdown from me to FINALLY spend some time with her. 


It looks like a friendship is possible after all. 

YAY ME!

I finally grew the balls to talk to her again, but of course I loose them even faster. I'm giving up on the whole thing. I know she has a boyfriend. Someone as gorgeous as she is, it's expected, but I was still clinging to hope she was single and gay...bi at the least. This is not the case. I don't even want anything out of her other than a friendship. I simply want to get to know her, and I realize that's all I ever wanted. Even if she was gay, there's no way she'd be attracted to me. But, now, there isn't even a chance at a friendship. I get way too awkward and spastic around her. I try not to look at her, but it's like my eyes have a magnetic force that cause them to unintentionally look in her direction. And she catches me looking. But, then again, why is she looking at  me when I go to look at her? I looked at her today and smiled, not wanting to be rude, but when she smiled back she almost looked scared. I don't want to be one of those weirdos who stares at people but I may be one regardless. It's like a double edged sword with her now. If I keep smiling at her when necessary or making small talk, she could mistake it for me being weird. I mean t's kind of hard NOT to look at her. Her department is right next to mine, so whenever I look up, she's there 80% of the time. If I just avoid looking at her, like I did today, she may think I'm stuck up or mean or something negative. Like today, I looked everywhere but in her direction, but I at least wanted to say hi...but I feel like such a creep. AHHHHH!!!!! I may just have to quit...

So, when I was at work yesterday she talked to me! She asked if I went on vacation, and when I said yes, she said she was on vacation the same week. She asked where I went and I told her, and she said she went to Mexico. I stuttered and stammered like an idiot, but I was so happy to be talking to her. I asked if she worked Saturday so I can show her my pictures. She said yes, and that she had her camera so she would show me hers. "I'll show you mine if show me yours!" haha! Anyways, she ended up not showing me, but I think she wanted to. I noticed her clock out, then leave. Well, she came back in and was near my department. I didn't want to stare at her so I looked away. Then a little later she was walking towards my department. Again I looked away. Well, after a little longer she ended up just leaving. She NEVER comes back in the store after she clocks out. I should have just acknowledged her, but I didn't want to seem like a stalker. Best part: she does notice me!!! She noticed I was off the same days she was. I didn't even notice that! Well, on Saturday I'm going to show her my pictures, so hopefully she brings her camera again. 



I'm so happy!

I'm in for a long and lonely summer. Best part: my place of employment gets to run my life all summer long. Can't wait.

I don't get it. Despite being a little shy and quiet, I think I'm an ok person. Why am I still single? I know I'm not the most attractive person in the world, but what happened to personality? I can be funny, I do alright in the intelligence category, and best of all I'm a great listener. Seriously, I'm so good, I even remember what people said almost word for word. I guess I don't open myself up enough. At school, I'm really quiet. Besides, it's summer now. At work, I'm only interested in one person, who I'm pretty sure thinks I'm a creep and would NEVER be interested in me. I just want someone who gets me, and will make me better but not change me completely. Someone who won't mind that I don't say a lot, and who will just let me listen. Somedays, I swear I'm destined to be alone forever...

So, I totally redeemed myself today! I smiled at her, talked to her, and didn't make myself look like a huge creep. I did embarrass myself a little, but not too horribly. I'm really happy. The next time I see her, we start and get off at the same time =).

So, I'm an idiot and I'm pretty sure she now thinks I'm a creep. I didn't want to keep looking at her, but I wanted to smile at her and her to smile back. Then I just avoided looking at her when I knew she was looking at me. I only succeeded in making things REALLY awkward. Then she wouldn't even look at me =/. I wanted to ask her how she was and other stuff, but I completely ruined it, and I made myself look like a stalker. Why do I have to make things so awkward? Hopefully I'll be able to say something intelligent the next time I see her, that is if she will even aknowledge me.